BITCH BE COOL!
Do you hate it when your wallet is full of change? I don’t, it makes me feel as though in case of an emergency, I’m always well prepared. It’s like my equivalent pocket knife. Or at a party, I’ve always got coins to pretend I have a manacle with, or to play quarters with, or to pretend I can’t spare for junkies. I have given only one junkie money, only one. When I was in Kelowna in Canada some cracked out fiend had burn marks all over his hands from cooking up meth, so I gave him money because it was obvious what he was doing. If my money can support the decline of Canadian society, I’ll do my bit eh? How aboot he try sell me some maple syrup? Anyway, he got my change, but he’s the only one. So yesterday I went to get coffee, and naturally pay with eftpos as to keep my change bundle.
“One double shot cappuccino thanks” I say jovially.
“Would you like it sitting” the waitress asks.
“No, standing thanks” I reply with the devils smile. I see the gears in her head turning over… I hand her my card to pay, and BAM!
“THERE IS A TEN DOLLAR MINIMUM EFTPOS CHARGE!!! THAT COMES TO A TOTAL OF $3.90!!!” You’d have thought I’d tried to hand her an aborted foetus! It was like that scene in Pulp Fiction with Yolanda and Samuel L. Jackson. “BITCH BE COOL! TELL THE BITCH TO BE COOL!” However, there were no guns, I’m not black, and I sure can’t yell like Samuel L.
So reluctantly I empty the contents of my wallet, count out the overpriced charge, and hand her the money. I should have thrown it at her in disgust! Here’s your money you’re so desperate for! Now dance! HA HA HA!!!
Anyway after this whole debacle a friend informed me of the waitress’s cyber whereabouts, and I added her on Facebook, and the ensuing conversation was too hilarious not to share.
Waitress: Hi, do i know you?
Me: I know your eftpos charges a $10 minimum
Waitress: ahhahaha oh yeah now i know who you are.. lol
Me: you should definitely make your eftpos unlimited minimum charge
Waitress: well you had the money anyway lol
Me: yeah luckily, if i’d been gang raped and my cash taken before though, and i needed my caffeine fix, i’d be not so lucky
Waitress: lol this may be true.. the bank although it only about 20 metres up the road. lol
Me: yeah, but the rapist robbers have started robbing the bank! so i can’t get money out, what then???
Waitress: RUN!! lol
Me: but my ass is too sore from being raped! and i am so fatigued without my caffeine, would you let me get a free coffee if i was in this conundrum?
Waitress: depends.. might think about it
Me: where is your last name from?
Waitress: Germany
Me: See, so is mine, I’m German, so you have to help me!
Waitress: you dont have blonde hair and blue eyes
Me: my last name is Trubenbacher with an umlaut, what more proof of germanic descent do you need?
Waitress: true blood german? or half?
Me: 100% german, i’m a german citizen
Waitress: well your more german than me then,. im only exactly half.. half dutch half german
Me: Argh a muggle! see, let your german half take over, and give me some free coffee when i get raped, don’t let the dutch rule you!
Waitress: lol i hold more dutch traditions though
Me: like not giving in to the Deutsch and giving us free coffee?
Waitress: somehting like that
Me: what would i have to do for free coffee/lowering your eftpos minimum charge
Waitress: lol can you make coffee?
Me: like a pro, but i want it made by you!
Waitress: nar im serious.. we need weekend staff that can make coffee coz i cant work 7 days a week
Me: i move to NY in 3 weeks though
Waitress: wow the high life
Me: NY’s at sea level though
Waitress: well merimbula is only 20 feet above isnt it? well not even that.. how was the coffee today??
Me: really good, see thats why i want to be able to pay for it on eftpos, in case one day i have no cash!
Waitress: lol..
Me: maybe i can rack up a tab there and when my tab reaches $10 i pay it off?
Waitress: i will ask the boss lol
Me: i like the cut of your jib
Waitress: huh?
Me: i like your style, but more nautically themed
Waitress: in the cafe?
Me: no, by asking the boss. like, thats a really good idea, like a boss in fact!
Waitress: lol
