Product Review: Bremenn Labs Boob Job In A Box

I have a friend who is head over heels in love. Seeing her rocking back and forth pining for her love makes me sick, looking like some withdrawing junkie on the floor of a methadone lab. It’s like those lyrics “watching a train wreck in slow motion”, but instead of guitar backing, it’s supported by a hollow wail. It hurts for me to see my friends in any sort of state in which they cannot properly support me. After all, I am a fragile flower.

I have been putting in many hours lately consoling her, patting her on the back and trying to make her feel loved by someone. But really, no one loves a whinger. So like a good parent, I now let T.V. and food console her, nursing her wounds which are growing exponentially with her ass groove in the couch. I wonder if her boobs will grow as she gets fatter? I know that those fat girl chicken fillets don’t count as big boobs, as they are really secret hoarding spots for ice cream and other deliciousness, but what if? What if my friend had bigger boobs, would it give her the confidence to go and hunt for that special someone? More importantly, could I finally have my old sounding board back instead of having to listen to constant problems which don’t involve me, and as such aren’t interesting in the slightest?

So here is my plan. I am going to buy some of this “Boob Job In A Box” formula and start massaging it into my friend at night. I don’t really care if it works. If it doesn’t work, I will still be getting some action. And if she catches me, I will be all, “Look how much I care, trying to give you the confidence to go out and snare your true love that I consoled you endlessly over.” She will put the knife away, and realise this is the start of something beautiful…