June 2010
3 posts
Kneel at the Church of Fudge: 1 Priest 1 Nun...
I am by no means a pious man. My church goings have stemmed merely from being skull dragged to primary school functions, or consequential by-products of passing Hare Krishna’s in the street. Does that count? Regardless, my relationship with the man upstairs has not been well kempt. But how often is he dropping by my house for coffee and a chat without wanting something in return? It’s always me,...
Fuck Ravers Lets Dance!
Dazzling and dancing across my subconscious, notes link and interweave in a cacophony of bliss. Melodies harmonize with rhythms, folding into one another; back and forth, back and forth… As the crescendo comes to a culmination, my fingers wrap the steering wheel tighter and tighter in an amalgamation of the metaphysical; my right foot growing heavier as it presses through into the canal of...
"Toddlers & Tiaras" Review: From Conception to...
There is plague upon our screens people. Frivolously flaunted by America, undoubtedly unbeknownst of the Catholic Church, and now broadcast across our airwaves in a bevy of social depravity.
“Toddlers & Tiaras”.
All in the title, this show documents the trials and tribulations of baby Miss America contestants and their oh-so supportive parents, from conception to perfection. When I was two, I...
May 2010
8 posts
BITCH BE COOL!
Do you hate it when your wallet is full of change? I don’t, it makes me feel as though in case of an emergency, I’m always well prepared. It’s like my equivalent pocket knife. Or at a party, I’ve always got coins to pretend I have a manacle with, or to play quarters with, or to pretend I can’t spare for junkies. I have given only one junkie money, only one. When I was in Kelowna in Canada some...
Interview with Driftwood Drones
When I first heard Driftwood Drones, I eargasmed all over the place, shooting shoegazer ectoplasm everywhere, they really are just that good. The dream pop quintet from Sydney are just about to release their long awaited EP, so I had a chat to lead singer and guitarist Sam Wilkinson.
Me: Sam, thanks for taking time out of your busy work schedule to have a chat.
Sam: You’re welcome Kane; my job is...
Product Review: Bremenn Labs Boob Job In A Box
I have a friend who is head over heels in love. Seeing her rocking back and forth pining for her love makes me sick, looking like some withdrawing junkie on the floor of a methadone lab. It’s like those lyrics “watching a train wreck in slow motion”, but instead of guitar backing, it’s supported by a hollow wail. It hurts for me to see my friends in any sort of state in which they cannot properly...
tattoos
I was speaking with a girl the other day about the idea of getting a tattoo. Naturally, her answer was the same as any other teeny bopper girl, the sort of answer that takes minimal thought and provocation. “Ooh, as long as it’s something meaningful, like a tribal thing or something.” First of all, tribal tattoos mean about as much to my German heritage as getting a cheese sandwich tattooed on my...
Gorilla Dick
The other day I discovered the most amazing fact. A gorilla has a penis that is only one inch long! I know right, what a shock! This discovery prompted me to jump on to Wikipedia post haste and find out everything I could about the sexual anatomy of a gorilla. I would have always guessed that a gorilla’s penis would be gargantuan, dwarfing your run of the mill porn movie Johnny Studd. At least...
bodybuilders
For people who know me, I hate a lot of things. I don’t know if it’s my German heritage coursing through my veins, oozing through my pores and venting itself upon the unfortunate, but regardless of reason, I hate big time. I hate anything I can get my greasy mits on, but some things lend themselves to my thoughts of venom more easily than others. The fat for example are an easy target. When...